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stupid fat ugly fucking idiot bitch*

*I am not a self help expert and am not suggesting you yell abusive things at yourself or anyone else. When I said what I said to myself, it wasn't premeditated or intentional. It was out of distress and desperation. I am just a normal person who wanted to share this interesting moment. Since that moment, I've treated myself kindly, done the work, stayed hydrated and ate plenty.


Wednesday morning. I literally feel pregnant. The thought of putting on pants makes me short of breath. I have to wear pants though. I am going out in public, into a professional setting, I might add. So they've got to be nice pants. Ok. Then I'll put on the loose fitting high waisted pink pants. It should be fine.


Nope. The waistband, which originally draped down towards my belly button, now chokes my midsection like a firm hand around my throat. And aptly, I start breathing faster and shallower.


It is on shaky ground that I continue to "get ready for the day." Pack your lunch (even though you shouldn't eat). Put on make up (even though it won't hide your shit face). Drink coffee (because hopefully that will decrease your appetite). Tidy up (the house you just bought and threw your savings away for). Sit down.


Sit down at the island and cry. Sob. Hate yourself. Sitting down makes the waistband feel even tighter. I get up to pee hoping that will make the pants less tight and on my way there I say out-loud to an empty living room, to myself, "Stupid fat ugly fucking idiot bitch."


This seems pretty taboo in the hyper-empowerment world we live in. But you know what? Saying it was incredibly cathartic. That energy needed to come out. And not like in a faux-empowerment, yes-man type of way. Like an "I am fucking angry and sick of myself and I need to change" kind of way.


I would never say that those words to anyone else. I hope no one ever says them to me. Those words are incredibly abusive and have no place in any interpersonal relationship. But there was some kind of score to be settled internally and I needed to kick my own ass. And if speaking those words into open air is what got me there, then so be it. It's kind of like when someone is losing it and another person slaps their face and all of the sudden, they snap back into focus and start kicking ass. It was like that.


I am really kind of over yes-man empowerment in terms of my own improvement. If I am crushing it, cool, let me know. It's appreciated. But if I am fucking up and making stupid decisions and being lazy, please don't say my body is telling me it needs rest. No. I am being lazy. I am subconsciously numbing and avoiding the work and it's complete garbage.


Wednesday was hard. It was sad. But it was necessary. Ryley comforted me and showed up in a big way. When I was done mourning, I followed suit and showed up too.


Tuesday evening, I had like, 5-6 oz of seitan. That is like 45g of protein which is great but it will bloat you to the Gods. Be advised.



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